Since I broke down, it has been almost a month. About 3 weeks of emotional turmoil and roller coaster. How i actually got through… is somewhat a miracle. What I thought would be a simple hit and run, turned out to be more than just a few days of tears, hurt and pain.
In the 3 weeks, while it hurt so bad, to lose a friend, God sent me many other friends. New ones, and friends whom I have not counted in a while. They spoke with me, sat with me, dined with me. Without these friends, who I must say, so patiently journeyed with me, I might have seriously fallen into depression and a state of no-return.
Yes, things were that serious. I could be fine one moment, and then, I would suddenly start crying. Or, if someone would mention something, or if i would see or hear something that brought back memories, I would start crying. It was VERY tiring. On the one hand, I did not want the whole world to see I was dying…. yet, it took so much out of me, just to hold my own. I pretended to be fine, when I was not. I thought I was fine, but i was not. I almost resorted to seeking psychiatric counselling.
It was only after Easter, that I finally felt “normal”. Or more normal. My perception of things, changed. Part of me decided to, give up. To chase or do other things. I realised, people never thought of me as important. If I was ever that important, abandoning me would not have been as simple as a flick of the finger.
Hurting and disappointing as it may be, there are simply things I cannot change or control. What else can I do? Really. To hold on, will only cause me more grieve and hurt, knowing and seeing that people simply don’t care.
I’ve taken the step to move on… and I pray, I will continue to hold strong.