Tough ride

Last week i wrote about letting go. As I start a new week, I do not know why, but feelings to take some form of action returns. Why God… why do I have to go through this.. ? Why can I just not completely let go?

I honestly don’t know what this friendship is doing to me. What I might at least comprehend is, it is wrecking my emotional life. I go through emotional turmoil. It disturbs my peace. Why then… do I get so involved to feel so much emotions? Why can I not just… let go. Completely.

While I had gotten through a couple of days feeling somewhat “victorious”, I suddenly had this thought planted into my mind – “to check on why the friend was missing and unaccounted for in church yesterday.” Seriously? Why do I have to make the first move to talk again? Unexplainable as why I would have this random thought flushed into my system, I did so anyway.

Now, I am sitting here, wondering, why the heck did I bother to text.. when. My text would go ignored? Not such a good feeling eh. To be ignored by someone I considered a close(r) friend. OR is that already a past tense.

Maybe the friend will never reply. Maybe the friend would return with a “sorry for the late reply (excuse)….” when she needs to contact me on something else.

Question to God is.. did the plantation of thought to message come from You? Why would You make me do that when You already know that I would be hurt by the response (or the lack of it) ? Do I really have to go through the sinking feeling, by the very people I care about… again?

Why God.. why.
What can I do to get out of this rut?
Can I really have my friend back? I am willing to forget and reset all the past that has happened. I really want my friend back. But why is it just so difficult? So difficult it is that I am beginning to doubt if this friend is worth all this pain… And why do I have to go through all this pain, just for a friend?

Sigh….

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