I have wanted to write for sometime. Each time I am alone, walking to the bus-stop, heading to lunch.. thoughts flood my mind. And I wish I could just verbalise everything into writing, there and then.
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me.
From the breakdown last Sunday and the few days following. Coping has not been easy. Expressing myself has not been easy.
The breakdown threw a friendship further into the ravine. In the initial talks, I thought there were signs of hope. Then the hopes disappeared. While I have told the friend that I felt we have drifted apart, appears to me, the friend just does not care about it. Haha, she ignored my statement about it. Should I do anything further about this friendship? Is there anything more I can really do? (I can really do with some private message advise here….)
Then there was the “issue” of my breakdown and cause of it. Well, surprising or unsurprisingly, the ones I talked to, were the ones outside of my church community. The ones who had the least background of what happened. Yet, they were the ones most approachable. Who extended their time and hand.
The friend whom I had counted on to be there, well. Did not stay. Or rather, as she would probably put it, “I asked you if you were ok, you said yes, so what more do you want me to do?”
I asked her if we could talk about our friendship. She ignored me. I asked again. She said “talk to you later”. I waited. Till late night, I was thinking if I should sleep or, if by any chance the friend would contact me again. I decided to ask again if I should wait. She finally replied, “sorry sorry. ok what do you want to tell me.” Wow.
I was rather pissed off with that response. And I hated myself in thinking I should be thankful for the response. Behaving like an absolute desperado.
Anyhow, we had a good msging chat. Talking like old times, old friends. Naive I am. The old time friend wouldnt just “disappear” again after the “necessary talk” which I had to almost force her into. Somehow looked clear where I actually stand in my friend’s life. Almost like an ant. Or maybe just a dust mite.
While I was to have met her and the church staff worker last Wednesday for a meal together. The church staff had to call off the dinner due to her meeting conflicts. Asking me to still carryon meeting with the friend. I msged the friend immediately to ask if she would still like to meet. My msg went ignored. Till past midnight.
The msg said, “i cant meet you cos i thought the dinner was postponed and i made other plans alr.” I asked her then to clarify some matters over msg. She insisted it would be better to speak in person. I asked if we could meet after she had dinner the next day, I was slapped back with “seriously, must we meet this week? im not free this whole week.” -.- It followed by, “i need to sleep for work tmr.” Nice.
Not quite being able to sleep, sorry but i continued to leave my thoughts through msgs. There was a rather violent retaliation the next morning. Not that it was unexpected. We agreed to talk over a phonecall that night. Since meeting is so difficult.
It was probably a nice gesture that she did take the first initiation, to ask if i want to talk later that night. It was a 1.5hrs talk. See, sometimes, while it can be so difficult to talk to each other, when we do talk, its… uncommonly long.
Somehow, alot of things were said and talked about. Yet, possibly, there are still things held back, unsaid.. i don’t feel at peace, or justified.
Would someone be able to advise, if i should continue to hold onto this friendship? Or just let it die out.